Speak to my heart, Lord Jesus, Speak that my soul may hear;
Speak to my heart, Lord Jesus, Calm ev’ry doubt and fear.
Speak to my heart, oh, speak to my heart,
Speak to my heart, I pray;
Yielded and still, seeking Thy will,
Oh, speak to my heart today.

 

It’s strange how verses and truths collide in your life sometimes.  This is often how I hear God speak to me. It’s when a common verse, a common theme runs  throughout my morning devotional readings, prayer time, leisure readings, bible study preparations, extracurricular activities, Sundays Sermon, conversations and just throughout every aspect of my daily activities of life.

There really doesn’t seem to be any off limit areas for the Word of God to show up unexpectedly and present Himself before my eyes to remind me that He sees me and hears me.  He knows my hearts hidden thoughts, questions, wishes and concerns that I have set aside to the back of my mind. He addresses them and counsels me on them before I even make them known to be answered. Thoughts and wishes that seem to be too small and trivial to be expressed are answered by Him.

One morning several weeks ago, I was flipping through an old hymn book  when I ran across a hymn that I had never heard before called Speak to My Heart. I loved the lyrics to this hymn and spent time praying over the words. I wondered what this old hymn actually sounded like when it was sung and wished that I could hear it. I made a mental note to try and find it on the internet later when I had time. I took a picture of the hymn and pasted it on my personal Facebook page just commenting that I loved this old hymn I had ran across.  I felt guilty sharing it stating that I loved it when I had never heard it sung before, but I did love it’s words and I wanted to remember them.

I never did remember to look it up on the internet as I had intended.  However, two weeks later I was praying in my journal over a very difficult decision that I was about to make.  Unforeseen circumstances had arisen at work and it was time to turn in my resignation but timing was everything.  My husband had recently lost his job and was still unemployed, our daughter was getting married the following month and we still had a balance to pay for the wedding. We needed my job. Not to mention the medical insurance for my husbands prescriptions. It would be foolish to quit willingly until It only made sense to keep it until another job came a long.

I had been wrestling with the decision for days. One moment my decision would be one way and the next my decision would be the other.  My reasoning was flip flopping and rolling as if it were in a great internal wrestling match. I wasn’t sure which way was the right way. I wasn’t sure which way was up or which way was down anymore so greatly was I being tossed around by doubt and fear. Someone once said the greatest storms in life, are not the outward ones of our circumstances that others see, but the inward storms that no one else sees or knows about but us.  I was going through such an inward storm as my thoughts were tossed back and forth.

However, in the midst of my storm the Lord reminded me of His steadfast love and faithfulness that morning as I read.  Often when I read, one or two verses would light up and stand out to me. However, that morning it was as if my entire bible lit up and every verse sparkled with the promises of the Word of God directed at me and my circumstances.  Every verse came alive and worked to comfort me as I read.  They all echoed the same truth, to trust in the Lord as my provider. They were like shouts of deliverance that I could hear in the distance in my storm.

Yet still the storm raged within me. The sensible thing would be to wait until everything settled and calmed down before I made such a large decision. My reason said to wait until I had something else lined up and could safely walk from one position of employment to the other. We needed my income right now to help make ends meet. We both could not be unemployed at the same time. It was unwise to jump ship in such a storm. The reasonable thing to do would be wait for Tim to find a job and then turn in my resignation. That would be the safest thing to do. The safest way to go, right?

Is anyway that is not God’s way ever  safe? God’s way through the valley of the shadow of death may look unsafe but the safest place ever to be is in His presence. Choosing the “safe” way, according to our own reason, is often choosing the godless way, because it is the way that we don’t need God to intervene. In our minds reasoning, we have a pretty good chance of making it to our destination on our own effort, without God’s intervention.  Depending on God after all isn’t really all that safe. That is our definition of the “safe” way.  The way that does not include God or need God to survive. Choosing God’s way, there is an overwhelming sense of the need for God every step of the way. If he doesn’t help us we won’t make it. It may feel dangerous, but it is the safest place to be and the safest route to take over the godless way.

The more I prayed, the more I could hear those distant shouts of deliverance. They seemed to grow louder and louder. My Lord was out there on the water. My heart knew it even though I could not see him.   That morning I spent an hour writing and praying in my prayer journal, begging the Lord to speak to my heart, to calm my storms and give me direction so that his way would clearly be made known to me.

Later that very same evening as several of us were at an evening worship service at another church we were visiting, the very closing song of invitation was this very song, Speak to My Heart.  I recognized the lyrics I had silently wished I could hear them sung from two weeks prior and  I remembered my morning prayer pleading with God to speak to my heart, using those same words I had remembered from the Old Hymn that had become my private prayer for direction.

Speak to my heart, Lord Jesus, Speak that my soul may hear;
Speak to my heart, Lord Jesus, Calm ev’ry doubt and fear.
Speak to my heart, oh, speak to my heart,
Speak to my heart, I pray;
Yielded and still, seeking Thy will,
Oh, speak to my heart today.

It was my little love note from the Lord. I felt heaven serenade me with it’s solo. I had to close my eyes and just enjoy the song as it was beautifully sung.   I knew there were tons of others present but I felt that song was just for me as God spoke to my heart and reminded me He knew my heart and its tiniest of hidden wishes and cared enough to grant them, He would surely take care of me in this greater situation.

The next day, the clouds grew blacker as I learned my husband did not get the job we had been hoping for and the waters below me looked much more unfriendly and chilling as I stood on the plank contemplating to jump or not. I had started to back away to wait for a more opportune time   telling my husband I would do the reasonable thing and wait to turn in my resignation until he found work but I felt the Holy Spirit confront me immediately after I hung up the phone and take away all my peace.   Was God less faithful now then he was yesterday?  Were his promises less true? Was I not attempting to play it safe and to walk according to what I could see ahead in the future instead of trusting in God and walking by faith in  Him alone? Did I truly trust God? Did I truly believe what I taught others to believe about God every Tuesday night? Would  God ever speak to my heart louder then he already had? Was I expecting an audible voice or some other miraculous sign when I knew his will already?  Knowing that Jesus is out there and beckoning me to come to him, did I really want to miss this opportunity to get out of the boat and walk on water? Would I ever be offered such an opportunity again as I was being offered by Him now? Doesn’t faith require courage? Would I not glorify God and please Him more by obeying now even when things got just a little bit darker then waiting until it was more convenient and safer to obey him? Where was my faith?

With that I quit reasoning and rationalizing the safest the thing to do and decided to trust God fully and jumped.  I took a deep breath and turned in my two week resignation. Afterwards, instead of being filled with fear and anxiety over our future I was full of a peace that never ceased to amaze me.

I felt as if I had won some sort of victory and was reminded of  one of my favorite books called Hinds Feet on High Places when the Shepherd speaks to Much Afraid about her conquering her fear:

“I must tell you a great truth Much Afraid which only the few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about or can only dimly guess at….”  – Hannah Hurnard, Hinds Feet on High Places, Chapter 4

I had won a victory. Four weeks later I would find a job and my husband would too. What I thought was surely a jump downward turned out to be a jump upward in my new position and enjoyment of my job. And what I had originally accused God of being His worst timing ever, turned out to be his best timing ever. I really don’t know how I would have gotten all the last minute wedding stuff done apart from the extended time off from work to focus directly on our daughter’s upcoming wedding. It really turned out to be a huge blessing in disguise. Praise be to our faithful God who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we can ask or think!