This weekend I spent some time sitting on a hill writing in my journal during our quiet  time at our church’s annual women’s retreat.  As I sat poised to write, watching all the women off in the distance, sitting under trees, on benches, on stair steps, silently praying, writing, walking, working out their thoughts while whispering to one another, the Lord was quiet to me.

The fields were filled with the presence of the Lord. He was everywhere. I had no doubt that He was speaking to all the women who surrounded me as they eagerly sought Him, wrestled with Him, listened to Him and waited quietly before Him.  You could see it on the concentration of their faces, the bow of their heads, the tears in their eyes, the great silence that surrounded everyone. God was active in the silence.

Despite all the beautiful scenery around me, the lake in the distance, the open fields, the trees and picnic benches, there was not a more beautiful scene to be found then the view of all of these women spread out in the distance around me silently seeking God with their heads bowed, their hair falling down around their faces like veils as they prayed and wrote.

Yet my page remained empty for  a long time; my mind was almost blank, yet my heart was full.  I sat outside enjoying the weather, the wind and the scenery thinking how not too long ago this moment so full of the presence of God would have at one time distressed me instead of impressing me as it did now, because at one time unless God spoke directly to me, I could not recognize His presence at all.

There was a time when like a young school girl if God was silent I equated it with distance. I was sure I had done something wrong, offended Him in some way, displeased Him or angered Him to cause Him to distance Him self from me and remain so silent.

If I could not see or sense God moving in my life, in my circumstances…

If I could not hear him speaking directly to me….

                  If I could not feel Him….

I doubted He was there.

I doubted everything.

                       I doubted His love.

                       I doubted His loyalty.

                       I doubted His presence.

                       I doubted He cared.

I would panic and seek Him more, pray harder, fast longer, read longer, sacrifice more, anything to get a reaction, an experience, a word from Him. I would try and force Him to move, to act, to respond in order to gain His attention once again so that He would reveal Himself to me once again and I would know that He still loved me, that He hadn’t left me, that He seen me and was still there.

Sometimes my antics worked but it was purely by God’s grace when they did. With great patience He saw my heart and knew that my weakness needed His strong reassurance.  He would reveal Himself anew to me again,  speak to break the silence, touch me in some gentle way not because of anything I had done to force Him to reveal Himself, but simply out of His own compassionate nature He would speak. He saw my heart and He would comfort and strengthen it.

At other times He would remain silent and watch me wrestle my fears with my weak but growing faith that was beginning to overcome them through holding on to His word. “Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)  “Trust in my unfailing love.” (Psalm 13)

But this afternoon was different.  I was confident of His presence despite His silence.   We had become like old companions.  Neither one of us had to say anything in this moment. I didn’t have to seek Him. He was there.  I simply enjoyed the fullness of His presence confident He was beside me, watching with me.   I didn’t feel any less of His presence, any less of His love, any less of His attention, any less of His favor then if He had been speaking to me directly through an illuminated verse or thought.  My heart was full.

My heart was at rest and as calm as the lake before me. I knew a peace that transcended my understanding which guarded my heart and mind from all anxiety and distressing thought that would have previously assaulted them.  (Philippians 4:7)  I enjoyed God’s silence that ended up speaking to my heart louder then words even though He really didn’t say anything at all