Intimacy is really not as romantic and attractive as people make it out to be. More often then not, it is painful and ugly. If you looked deep inside our hearts, chances are you probably wouldn’t see a lot of deep, beautiful, profound thoughts and memories. Instead you would see a tangled mess. You would see a lot of darkness, a lot of dirt, false beliefs, selfishness, ulterior motives, anger, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, confusion, hypocrisy, coldness, painful memories and experiences that we tend to push back and push to the side over the years because they were in the way of our getting what we wanted in life. They were in the way of people liking us. In the way of our having a happy home. In the way of our succeeding and being accepted.
The core of our hearts are not as pretty as we would like them to be. They are often more like old deserted waste lands or cellars with rats and cobwebs running around the bottom of them where we have a tendency to push aside and hide our “junk”, brokenness, hidden fears and desires from the public eye.
If we examined our hearts closely you would find the majority of our greatest deeds, things we thought ourselves to be quite proud of, were really quite contaminated when closely inspected and turned over. They were in fact acts of mere self-interest, self-preservation in order to gain something or to make ourselves look good or to avoid our own discomfort or done to avoid conflict with little thought of the other persons well being or of pleasing God and bringing Him glory. They were done instead simply to benefit ourselves and for our own pleasure. If we examined our hearts closely we would find that beneath the surface we are indeed hateful, lustful, immoral, prideful, greedy, selfish slanders, drunkards, liars, adulterers, idolaters and murdering thieves who swindle every chance we get… no matter how hard we try to cover it up and pretend to appear as good hearted kind people most of the time.
Instead of being afraid of the dark, I would say the majority of us if honest are more afraid of the light then we are of the dark. John 3:19-20, Matt 4:16,
Yet, despite all the dirt and darkness in our hearts, something about true intimacy is beautiful. What makes it beautiful? What draws us toward it and captivates us by it? What makes our hearts yearn for it as much as we fear it? It is Christ. It is the essence of the gospel being demonstrated and lived out in every day life. It is beauty, righteousness and holiness stepping down into a wasteland to dwell among us and redeem us. It’s the fact that true intimacy is rare and unnatural. It’s unconditional love that defies the laws of this world. It doesn’t step back or abandon us even when we stink from living in the filth of our own sin.
But that’s the friend we have in Jesus. Not only did he, in his perfect, holiness, beauty, innocence and righteousness climb down those dark stairs with his light, he stayed and made it his dwelling place. Our dark, desecrated hearts are now his Holy of Hollies, and He promises He will never leave, never abandon us and even hugs us closer and says He’s going to take care of it all in his own time. Some things are immediately cast out and others are scheduled to be removed. We need only to trust and wait on him enjoying his presence and unfailing love while we patiently learn to wait on Him.
Through His indwelling Spirit in us and through other Christians in our lives, our junk is sifted through piece by piece and slowly thrown out. Instead of being fearful of the light and exposure, as we once were when we had no hope, we become anxious to be restored and made whole and continually ask Him, “How much longer? How much longer before this piece of me is restored, this ugly piece is taken away and I no longer have to look at it again? How much longer before these habits are gone? How much longer before I quit tripping over this area so much and learn to walk and to run and to jump and duck? How much longer do I have to wait and bear with myself and these sins that continue to humble me before you and before others? How long, O Lord? Won’t you please prioritize this area?”
I wish this sanctification process and renewal could be done in a twinkling of an eye. I wish the way I use to be was already but a memory, and so much is, but there is also so much I still have to live with and endure. I am learning to hate it more and more as I learn to wait on Him and as He works in his own time in another area of my life that He in His wisdom has prioritized over my wishes. Usually it’s something that seems less prominent to me, but He views as foundational, like learning to wait on him as I grow in humility by learning to put up with myself. If Jesus was to immediately remove some areas, I would run the high risk of pride finding new room to grow and flourish. I might gloat over my new condition and become impatient with others in theirs. So Christ finishes everything in his own time and continually tells me to wait and trust him as he goes about measuring, testing, strengthening, breaking, replacing. He will work himself outwardly in his own time, not mine.
If we are in Christ, we are all works in various stages of progress. We have all came a long way, and still
have long ways to go before we can reflect the fullness of his beauty and his handiwork in us, a lifetime even. I am so anxious to put off my old self and put on my new self which is being renewed in the knowledge and in the image of its Creator. I want to look like Him someday for He alone has a heart that is beautiful in every detail. And I am confident that unlike me, who so easily gives up and just starts hiding stuff under the carpet and in the closet to this day if I am left to myself even for one minute… He will complete the good work He started in me. I am his workmanship and thankfully not my own or else my heart would only turn into a greater landfill instead of being turned into the Lord’s sanctuary, a majestic casing for his own heart to be displayed within. Col. 3:10, Eph. 4:23
